The full title to this article was meant to be: 5 Things Never To Do on Facebook (If You Don’t Want To Be an Asshole) but I decided the last part should be self explanatory. I also considered: How To Win at Social Media in 5 Easy Steps, but I was afraid I’d have to have operators standing by to take the first of your three easy payments of only $19.99 for this fabulous offer. (But wait… there’s more!)
Social Media has developed it’s very own etiquette and customs and while many folks have gleaned this from years of experience, there’s still a significant portion of the internet population that has been a bit slow in picking up the not-so-subtle rules. It is for this clueless crowd that I offer a crash course in how to avoid being the person everyone complains about. You’re welcome.
5 Things Never To Do on Facebook
1. Create posts that describe your bad mood without saying why.
We’ve all got that friend/family member that loves to give the sympathetic tease. “I’m so mad right now I could SCREAM!” Any attempt to get the poster to reveal WHY she’s so angry only results in more cryptic comments: “A certain someone knows why I’m pissed.”
Don’t be this poster. We get that you’re baiting everyone to come rushing to you with with heartfelt concern. Sure, you’re angry, or sad or thrilled or whatever. We get it. Don’t be a drama queen. Truthfully, 99% of your friends really don’t give a shit what your moods are and would prefer to drink their coffee, watch their movie, pick their nose or continue to do whatever it is that they were doing before you started crying for attention.
2. Post 127 selfies that are all nearly identical.
Yes, you have a phone and know how to use the camera. Yep, that’s you alright. And there’s you again. And again. Gosh, you sure do like your own face. And you can make Duck Lips. Good for you. Now stop it. I promise you are your own biggest fan and your insecurity is nauseating. Posting a picture of an actual duck would be more interesting.
3. Post Guilt Memes.
You’ve seen them. The “Only a few of my friends will do this. Most of you won’t and I know who you are” or “Type ‘Amen’ if you love Jesus and Share. Ignore if you want to Satan to rape children” or “I bet this adorable puppy won’t even get ONE like”.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Quit this. Those pictures are stupid, annoying, pointless and guess what? Most are designed to promote websites. That’s right. Websites everywhere design those pics and count on morons like YOU to pass them along virally. Don’t be a shill.
4. Status updates on your location.
So you’re Christmas shopping at the mall. Ok, and you felt I needed to know this… why? Oh, having dinner at the Italian restaurant across town. Am I supposed to ask you how you enjoyed your Chicken Parmigian?
Here’s a news flash: Every moment of your life is NOT breaking news. CNN is not going to cut into Anderson Cooper’s broadcast to announce that you’re buying shoes at Foot Locker. The number of people that care or want to know is equal to the number of times Donald Trump has had a good hair day: Zero! Cut it out!
5. If you have the intellect of a mushroom, don’t post anything at all.
Social Media broadcasts everything you post for the whole world to see. It should go without saying you should never post personal information or embarrassing photos of yourself.
Moreover, stupidity is amplified a thousandfold. Unless you want to expose your pathetic lack of basic knowledge and suffer global humiliation, keep your thoughts to yourself. Otherwise dumb happens.
Social media is not unlike the Wild West. It’s a new frontier where anything goes, but eventually, the frontier is tamed and if we all follow a few simple rules, we can learn to all get along. Happy posting!