Fun Facts That Aren’t True

Correct his is.

Since people are so eager and willing to not only believe completely false information, but to pass it on, let me provide a number of Fun Facts (That Just Aren’t True)! Enjoy!

 

Fun Fact: More people poop in holes in the ground than in porcelain toilets (this… actually might be true. I can’t find confirmation either way.)

Fun Fact: There is no record of any man named Donald having a penis over five inches.

Fun Fact: Polar bear feces is white. Scientists think this happens to help the bear keep rival bears from tracking them.

Fun Fact: While no two snowflakes are exactly alike, over 10 million of them like Game of Thrones.

Fun Fact: Amish women are forbidden from braiding their pubic hair (but apparently pony tails are ok)

Fun Fact: Falafels were originally made from mixing sand and camel dung with water and frying them on flat rocks heated from the sun. (If someone offers you a “traditional” falafel, you may want to decline.)

Fun Fact: Silk is made from a by-product of the silkworm. Gum is made from the by-product of the Gummi worm.

Fun Fact: It takes light from the sun over 8 minutes to reach the Earth, which is about the same amount of time it takes for a blonde to understand a dumb blonde joke. Scientists suspect there may be a connection.

Fun Fact: Samuel L. Jackson is contractually obligated to appear in at least 200 films per year.

Fun Fact: People from Belgium have the largest belly buttons in the world.

Fun Fact: It is estimated that over 20 million tons of leaves fall in the state of Maine each Autumn. Nearly a third of that falls on the lawn of a guy named Dirk Gunderson.

Fun Fact: The state of California recently passed a law declaring Monday as a recognized holiday officially named “Fuck It, I’m Not Coming In To Work Day”.

Fun Fact: Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity predicts that the later you are to an appointment, the denser the traffic will be between you and your destination.

Fun Fact: The lower a person’s IQ, the more times they will post “Amen” on a “Do you love Jesus” Facebook meme.

Fun Fact: Humans give off a specific pheromone that causes cats to simply not give a shit.

Fun Fact: American Airlines recently announced that in order to fit more people on their planes and increase profitability, passengers will be required to don a straight jacket and sit on a small stool.

Fun Fact: Marijuana contains a chemical called munchitol that causes a person to crave Doritos and Oreos.

Fun Fact: A two year study from the University of Arizona found that dog feces tastes pretty bad. (If you can’t figure out which part of this “fact” isn’t true, I suggest you test this conclusion yourself)

~V

 

5 Things Never To Do on Facebook

The full title to this article was meant to be: 5 Things Never To Do on Facebook (If You Don’t Want To Be an Asshole) but I decided the last part should be self explanatory. I also considered: How To Win at Social Media in 5 Easy Steps, but I was afraid I’d have to have operators standing by to take the first of your three easy payments of only $19.99 for this fabulous offer. (But wait… there’s more!)

Social Media has developed it’s very own etiquette and customs and while many folks have gleaned this from years of experience, there’s still a significant portion of the internet population that has been a bit slow in picking up the not-so-subtle rules. It is for this clueless crowd that I offer a crash course in how to avoid being the person everyone complains about. You’re welcome.

The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is…

Saw this video posted on Facebook of Florida sheriff Wayne Ivey warning people that the terrorists are here and to arm themselves. I have only one response: Bravo! It’s about time someone told the truth. The terrorist infestation in this country is getting out of control. They’re worse than cockroaches. They’re behind every bush, around every corner. You’re not safe. Your kids aren’t safe. Your pets aren’t safe. Heck, even your plants may not be safe. You never know; a terrorist may want to rape and kill your rhododendron.

The only refuge honest, white Christian Americans have is in packing heat. The more guns you own, the safer you are. In fact, I think all licensing for guns should be suspended to make it easier for good, law abiding citizens to purchase an arsenal for home protection.

Everything you need for home defense. Or World War III.

Whatever. Nevermind.

A serious wardrobe malfunction?

I don’t like Justin Bieber. I mean, I really REALLY don’t like Justin Bieber. The amount I don’t like him could fill the Grand Canyon. If the amount I don’t like him were a fat guy, he’d be too big to be on The Biggest Loser. If you laid out the amount I don’t like him end to end, it would circle the Earth 27 gajillion times.

Justin is a smug, talentless, classless, clueless douchebag. There is nothing about him that I like. At all. (Except that he dated Selena Gomez and she’s hot but then, that makes me dislike him even more because… He’s Justin Bieber.)

So it certainly pains me to come to his defense. You see, apparently he wore a Nirvana T-shirt to the American Music Awards the other night and some people (probably those folks who have nothing better to do than sit around and write blog posts all day long) have lost their freaking minds. I don’t get it. It’s just a T-shirt. I mean, it’s not like he tried to perform or record a Nirvana song. That, of course would be worthy of Hellish fury that could only end with the Biebs being burned alive on stage while thousands of Nirvana fans chanted loudly.

Do I think that Justin understands and appreciates the musical genius that is Kurt Cobain or Nirvana? No, of course not. That’s silly. No one could possibly believe such nonsense. Why would anyone even suggest such a thing. Stop it. Just stop.

Concerned Citizens

Scene opens in the basement of a small church in a small town in Alabama. A group of concerned townsfolk have gathered to discuss the looming threat.

Bill: “It just ain’t right, I tell ya. They’re practically on our doorstep. We’re all in danger.”

Mary Beth: Looking around the room at the others. “You don’t think it could really happen, do you?”

Buford: “If it does, I got my shotgun that’ll send ’em all back to Allah!”

Murmurs of approval from the group.

Harry: “They’re all terrorists, every last one of them, we all know that. Why is there even talk of letting them in?”

Carl: “It’s that damn Obama and his Liberal agenda, that’s what it is!”

More murmurs of approval.

Mary Beth: “I heard that not only are they all terrorists but that many of them are… GAY!”

Gasps of  horror.

Bill: “Oh good Lord Jesus… gay terrorists. It really must be the end of days.”

Carl: “Whaddya think they’d do? Do ya think they’d make you… you know… DO things before they killed ya?”

Mary Beth: In a shrill voice. “Of course they would, Carl. That’s what them gays do. They’re all rapists!”

Buford: “Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick. This is worse than I thought. Better start stocking up on my shotgun shells.”

Breaking News: GOP on Syrian Refugees

(AP) – November 20, 2015

As Congress attempts to pass a bill that would prohibit refugees from Syria from entering the US, Republican presidential candidates have been speaking out about the current controversy regarding the Syrian refugees waiting to arrive in the US.

“I think it’s a huge security risk to let those illegal immigrants into our country” stated Sen. Ted Cruz on Wednesday. He then went on to clarify that he was not speaking about Mexicans but rather Syrian refugees.

“If we are going to allow any of them to come into our home, we need to be sure it’s only Christians and not the terrorists.” Cruz’s assistant leaned in and whispered to him. “Sorry, not terrorists. I mean Muslims. I get those two confused,” he said, correcting himself immediately.  “After all, you never hear about radical Christians committing acts of violence,” Cruz said speaking outside a recently bombed Planned Parenthood clinic where three staff members were killed.

Sen. Ted Cruz throws up  a Nazi ‘Sieg Heil’ salute at a rally in New Hampshire.

My Costume Only Comes in One Color

Does this come in white?

I saw a post on Facebook recently that inspired this colorful rant. Let me first share the link that was posted and then the posters comment.

What’s Wrong with Cultural Appropriation

The person who posted this added this comment:

Just a little PSA for the Halloween season. If part or all of your costume includes pretending to be from a non-white racial group, this is cultural appropriation. It’s also hurtful and in poor taste.

I want to address the “cultural appropriation” in the context of the comment. As I read this, she’s suggesting that if I, as a white man were to dress as President Obama or Gandhi, this would be hurtful and in poor taste. Really? Because of the color of my skin, I apparently have been bestowed this magical gift called “White Privilege” and while this allows me to perform all kinds of miracles that those with a different skin hue than my own cannot, I am now also restricted from certain types of behavior. It was certainly news to me that my list of Halloween costume choices was now shortened to include only Caucasian characters (I’m still not sure if this includes dressing as a ghost. They are usually depicted as being white, but I’ll have to check with the Political Correctness Overlords for a ruling.)

Kim Davis Memes

Who wore it better?

I’m being lazy by posting these, but they’re funny and (gasp!) actually make legitimate points so… if a picture is worth a thousand words, this is a full essay for me. Enjoy (or scream and rant and rave, whatever floats your boat).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~V

 

We Can Do Better Than Monkeys

Who flung poo?

Jon Stewart is now gone from The Daily Show and I lament his departure. I could (and may) write an entire blog post about his tenure and the vacuum that he created by leaving, but that is for another time. At the moment, I want to take a comment he made and share my thoughts. As much as I respect and honestly revere him, he said something in the following article with which I disagree (at least in part).

NPR wrote about him leaving The Daily Show and in the article was this quote:

“I feel like politicians, there’s a certain inherent — the way I always explain it is when you go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces, it’s a monkey. But when the zookeeper is standing right there and he doesn’t say, ‘Bad monkey!’ — somebody’s got to be the zookeeper. I tend to feel much more strongly about the abdication of responsibility by the media than by political advocates.”

I find no issue with his critique of the media. It’s been quite some time that America (or much of the world) has enjoyed a relatively unbiased examination of national and world news. Major “news” networks (and the quotation marks is intended as sarcasm for those that missed it) are really nothing more than propaganda machines for political and industrial powerhouses. I’m not just singling out Fox News here either.

A New Environmental Crisis: High Levels of Smug

 

We are approaching critical levels

“You really shouldn’t eat beef, ya know… like, it’s full of hormones and stuff and like… it’s totally bad fer you.”

“OMG, I ONLY eat free range chicken. I think chickens should be happy before they’re slaughtered for food. You can taste the happiness in every bite.”

“I could NEVER eat anything that has eyes. Meat is murder, ya know? I’m strictly a vegetarian.”

“Vegetarians are SO unenlightened. My diet is pure vegan. You should change to a vegan diet. I feel SO much better.”

“I’ve eliminated all the gluten from my diet. I read it causes cancer… or something. Jeez, why don’t they have more gluten-free foods at this grocery store. Ugh, this is why I only shop at Whole Foods.”

“You don’t buy all organic? That non-organic stuff will kill you, ya know. The pesticides build up in your body and cause like… brain bleeding or something. Even my Pop Tarts are organic because the label says so.”

“You bought a puppy? I would like… NEVER do that. Puppies are adopted so easily. I got my dog Rex from a shelter. He was a 14-year-old rescue dog. He was blind and only had three legs. That’s like, the socially responsible thing to do, ya know.”

“You’re still driving a regular compact car? You know how much carbon emissions come from that? I totally drive a hybrid and we’re thinking of getting an electric next year. Don’t you care about the environment?”

“Caitlyn Jenner is SO beautiful, don’t you think? It was so brave of her to come out like that. I wish I could just see her picture everywhere I go to inspire me. Anyone that doesn’t just love her is a transphobic jerk.”