I Am NOT a Wordsmith

Drive with caution, artist at work

For someone that has profusely expressed his longing to write professionally, it might seem a bit odd for me to declare that I am not a wordsmith. In truth, I used to love that term. I found it to be a rather pithy and clever expression. Who wouldn’t want to think of themselves as a refined craftsman?

My change in attitude came from a friend and co-worker. This is a man for whom I have great respect. He’s highly intelligent, (although, like me, fails to live up to his potential), clever and wickedly funny. (He hails from the Boston area originally so I think it’s required that I use the term “wicked” in his description.)

While sitting at work, pretending to be busy (a worthwhile skill practiced by so many), we inevitably began a discussion about writing as a career. He expressed his dislike for the term “wordsmith”. In fact, I think his actual comment was “I fucking HATE that word! It’s so pretentious.”

Needless to say, I wasn’t prepared for that bit of sarcastic insight and while I neither submitted an agreement or disagreement, inwardly I felt just a touch offended.

Fun Facts That Aren’t True

Correct his is.

Since people are so eager and willing to not only believe completely false information, but to pass it on, let me provide a number of Fun Facts (That Just Aren’t True)! Enjoy!

 

Fun Fact: More people poop in holes in the ground than in porcelain toilets (this… actually might be true. I can’t find confirmation either way.)

Fun Fact: There is no record of any man named Donald having a penis over five inches.

Fun Fact: Polar bear feces is white. Scientists think this happens to help the bear keep rival bears from tracking them.

Fun Fact: While no two snowflakes are exactly alike, over 10 million of them like Game of Thrones.

Fun Fact: Amish women are forbidden from braiding their pubic hair (but apparently pony tails are ok)

Fun Fact: Falafels were originally made from mixing sand and camel dung with water and frying them on flat rocks heated from the sun. (If someone offers you a “traditional” falafel, you may want to decline.)

Fun Fact: Silk is made from a by-product of the silkworm. Gum is made from the by-product of the Gummi worm.

Fun Fact: It takes light from the sun over 8 minutes to reach the Earth, which is about the same amount of time it takes for a blonde to understand a dumb blonde joke. Scientists suspect there may be a connection.

Fun Fact: Samuel L. Jackson is contractually obligated to appear in at least 200 films per year.

Fun Fact: People from Belgium have the largest belly buttons in the world.

Fun Fact: It is estimated that over 20 million tons of leaves fall in the state of Maine each Autumn. Nearly a third of that falls on the lawn of a guy named Dirk Gunderson.

Fun Fact: The state of California recently passed a law declaring Monday as a recognized holiday officially named “Fuck It, I’m Not Coming In To Work Day”.

Fun Fact: Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity predicts that the later you are to an appointment, the denser the traffic will be between you and your destination.

Fun Fact: The lower a person’s IQ, the more times they will post “Amen” on a “Do you love Jesus” Facebook meme.

Fun Fact: Humans give off a specific pheromone that causes cats to simply not give a shit.

Fun Fact: American Airlines recently announced that in order to fit more people on their planes and increase profitability, passengers will be required to don a straight jacket and sit on a small stool.

Fun Fact: Marijuana contains a chemical called munchitol that causes a person to crave Doritos and Oreos.

Fun Fact: A two year study from the University of Arizona found that dog feces tastes pretty bad. (If you can’t figure out which part of this “fact” isn’t true, I suggest you test this conclusion yourself)

~V

 

Breaking News: GOP on Syrian Refugees

(AP) – November 20, 2015

As Congress attempts to pass a bill that would prohibit refugees from Syria from entering the US, Republican presidential candidates have been speaking out about the current controversy regarding the Syrian refugees waiting to arrive in the US.

“I think it’s a huge security risk to let those illegal immigrants into our country” stated Sen. Ted Cruz on Wednesday. He then went on to clarify that he was not speaking about Mexicans but rather Syrian refugees.

“If we are going to allow any of them to come into our home, we need to be sure it’s only Christians and not the terrorists.” Cruz’s assistant leaned in and whispered to him. “Sorry, not terrorists. I mean Muslims. I get those two confused,” he said, correcting himself immediately.  “After all, you never hear about radical Christians committing acts of violence,” Cruz said speaking outside a recently bombed Planned Parenthood clinic where three staff members were killed.

Sen. Ted Cruz throws up  a Nazi ‘Sieg Heil’ salute at a rally in New Hampshire.

More Musings

If a writer posts a blog and no one reads it, does it exist?

 

[My mind wanders a lot and this is what tends to find its way into my head when I’m not paying attention. This is not the first time it’s happened. Check out my first post Musings.]

 

If I ride my bike along the same path I took yesterday, am I re-cycling?

 

Do schizophrenics ever get lonely? I mean, they always have someone to talk to.

 

Do spiders ever wake up in the morning covered in human bites?

 

Fish don’t have lungs so they can’t cough, and if they can’t cough, how do they show they’re uncomfortable in a formal social setting?

 

Why do some men lose hair on their heads as they age and gain more on their bodies? Is this the effect of gravity?

 

Wouldn’t it be great if your seat cushion on the airplane turned into a parachute instead of a flotation device?

 

Birds fly south in the winter because it’s warmer. People live in Alaska year round. Are birds smarter than Alaskans?

 

Why don’t we ever have to trim our arm hair?

 

At the end of the day, where do Port – O – Potties get emptied?

 

If cat’s pajamas are so great, why don’t I ever see cats wearing them?

 

Why does the word “Whisper” sound like it should only be said in a whisper?

 

Should I trust any psychic that can’t tell me the winning lottery numbers?

 

Why does Wonder Woman need an invisible plane? Would a regular plane hinder her in some way?

 

I’d love for someone to invent gluten-free gluten so I can go back to eating bread again.

 

What’s worse than being an ear, nose and throat doctor to a giraffe? Being an orthodontist to a shark.

 

Why is it always the stupidest people that assure you “I’m not stupid ok?”?

 

~V

 

 

 

 

The Tragedy of Battle Creek

It had been a busy week, starting with the Frog. He felt no remorse, but neither did it bring him joy. It was, he reasoned, a task that needed to be completed and he was the man to do it. No one saw him enter the home and no one saw him leave. He’d spent years practicing and preparing for that moment. Countless bowls had been consumed and gallons of milk emptied. He’d collected the prizes that sat inside the boxes and played all the games and puzzles that the manufacturers had printed on the backs of those boxes. He was ready. He’d taken out that stupid red hat wearing Frog in one blow and left only a body in a pool of blood. There was no joy, but there was exhilaration. He knew he’d do it again.

Conversations With a Cat

Never argue with a cat. You can’t win.

Autumn came running into my room. She was her usual excited self. “We’re under attack!” she cried frantically. I should expect these kinds of comments from her considering what a vivid imagination she has. Her comprehension of the world is very restricted, which is understandable considering she’s only seen small glimpses of it through the windows of my apartment. Granted, she wandered outside for the first few months of her life before finding me, but she was too young to really process much. Did I mention that Autumn is a cat?

Game of Thrones Funny Pics

Season 5 biotch!

And today I have another cheat post. I’m not really contributing anything creative (at least nothing that was done by me) but rather I’m sharing the works of others. Still, these are funny pics. GoT fans rejoice, laugh and prepare for Season 5. Click on a pic for the full-sized version.

A Dash of Humor

Today is a (semi) cheat day as I post a few funny pics and gifs to cleanse the palate. Some of my posts get a bit… intense and even I need a break from my own proselytizing. Thanks to memeguy-com on Tumblr for these awesome gifs.

 

Is the wind causing this? Is there a guy trapped in the top mattress? Am I witnessing a mattress kidnapping or is this just an intimate moment between two consenting mattresses?

A List of Nevers

Lessons of Life

Here are a list of things I’ve learned never to do (anymore). Of course, this list is far from complete. Do you have a “Never” of your own? Feel free to share it in the Comments.

• Never say you’re finally safe during the zombie apocalypse
• Never believe your wife when she tells you nothing’s wrong
• Never buy the warranty (stuff always breaks the day after the warranty coverage is up)
• Never assume you got the best price on an item you bought on sale (the store across the street will sell it for less next week)
• Never sit in the middle seat on an airplane
• Never tell yourself it’s ok to eat that donut because you’ll work it off later at the gym (you won’t)
• Never say the word “What” to Jules Winnfield (Yeah, I know you’re gonna look it up)
• Never pretend to be a ghost if a goatee wearing hippy and a talking Great Dane show up in a multi-colored van
• Never fry bacon naked
• Never hide something away for safekeeping (you’ll never see it again)
• Never ask what else could go wrong
• Never call Marty McFly chicken
• Never consume both a bran muffin AND a full glass of prune juice for breakfast
• Never play Bingo in a hall filled with elderly women
• Never go through the drive through (thank you Joe Pesci)
• Never give a cat a bath
• Never make Clint Eastwood’s day
• Never sit in the stall next to someone in a public bathroom if there is a buffer stall available in between
• Never text while driving (ok, this is a PSA)
• Never try to jump over the tennis net (inside joke – ask me about it sometime)
• Never change to the faster lane (as soon as you do it becomes the slow lane)
• Never eat a McNugget shaped like a chicken head
• Never assume winter is over when you live in Wisconsin (for my family)
• Never eat a Habanero pepper without a glass of milk nearby

And finally… NEVER start to like a character on Game of Thrones

 

He said it in a song so it must be true

~V

 

Interview with Bigfoot

Man or Myth?

Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with one of the world’s most popular cryptids, Bigfoot. Although he still maintains a very busy schedule even after all these years, he was kind enough to give me an exclusive, in-depth interview. I think readers will be surprised at some of his candid responses to my questions. We sat in his living room in Northern California where he resides these days when not off on his annual world-wide tour of wandering the forests of North America. While enjoying a cup of oolong tea, he opened up about his life, his career and even talked about the sex tape incident from a few years ago. Here’s what he had to say: