It’s Pronounced “Frawnkensteen”

I’ve had a few inquiries about my absence from my blogs and I thought I would share with my readers at least one thing I did to keep myself busy over the past several months.

I stepped away from writing, but I still had this creative urge so I became a Pinterest junkie and started working on Halloween props. Initially, I looked online to see if I could find a few small projects to try, just for fun. I thought I’d make a few decorations for a potential upcoming party but I enjoyed the process so much I began taking things to the next level.

I should stress that I am NOT an artist and the photos below are my first attempts at making anything like this. They are not terribly good but it was a nice way to create something from nothing (much like writing) and indulge my darker side at the same time. I have taken a break from my creations but I think I’ll be getting back to my “Dr. Frankenstein” days very soon.

If anyone is interested, I will post links to some of the very talented people I found online and you can see how these kinds of things should actually look.

My first pumpkin was very awkward and goofy looking and I learned a lot of “don’t do this” kinds of lessons.

George Squashington

My second pumpkin turned out just a little bit better.

 

Confessions of a Pizza Delivery Guy

Special Delivery!

Rather than writing another social/political essay on the evils of the world, I thought I’d just chat with you for a bit.

Many moons ago I worked at a pizza place as a delivery driver. It was a pretty decent gig for a young man in his late teens/early twenties. The money was good for a simple, entry-level job, the work was easy and I ate a LOT of pizza!

Anyone who has performed this work has stories. The one I always wished I could tell later on is a basic plot device for porn films. Pizza guy delivers to a young, single gorgeous woman with a raging libido. Rather than a monetary tip, the man receives something far more intimate. Sadly, this never happened to me.

I was offered my fair share of drugs as a method of gratuity, but I always declined. Not because I had high moral values or respected my body enough to keep it free from illicit substances, but rather I refused to take things from strangers because I learned how unwise that was.

The first time it happened, a guy gave me a joint to enjoy later. I saved it for the end of the night and shared it with my boss after we closed the shop. I have no idea what that rotten little Mary Jewana cigarette was laced with, but after about five minutes of heavy toking, I felt like someone had driven a railroad spike through my head. The three minute drive home seemed to take hours and though I was exhausted, I feared falling asleep because I kept waking up from not breathing. Terrifying night.

Fun Facts That Aren’t True

Correct his is.

Since people are so eager and willing to not only believe completely false information, but to pass it on, let me provide a number of Fun Facts (That Just Aren’t True)! Enjoy!

 

Fun Fact: More people poop in holes in the ground than in porcelain toilets (this… actually might be true. I can’t find confirmation either way.)

Fun Fact: There is no record of any man named Donald having a penis over five inches.

Fun Fact: Polar bear feces is white. Scientists think this happens to help the bear keep rival bears from tracking them.

Fun Fact: While no two snowflakes are exactly alike, over 10 million of them like Game of Thrones.

Fun Fact: Amish women are forbidden from braiding their pubic hair (but apparently pony tails are ok)

Fun Fact: Falafels were originally made from mixing sand and camel dung with water and frying them on flat rocks heated from the sun. (If someone offers you a “traditional” falafel, you may want to decline.)

Fun Fact: Silk is made from a by-product of the silkworm. Gum is made from the by-product of the Gummi worm.

Fun Fact: It takes light from the sun over 8 minutes to reach the Earth, which is about the same amount of time it takes for a blonde to understand a dumb blonde joke. Scientists suspect there may be a connection.

Fun Fact: Samuel L. Jackson is contractually obligated to appear in at least 200 films per year.

Fun Fact: People from Belgium have the largest belly buttons in the world.

Fun Fact: It is estimated that over 20 million tons of leaves fall in the state of Maine each Autumn. Nearly a third of that falls on the lawn of a guy named Dirk Gunderson.

Fun Fact: The state of California recently passed a law declaring Monday as a recognized holiday officially named “Fuck It, I’m Not Coming In To Work Day”.

Fun Fact: Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity predicts that the later you are to an appointment, the denser the traffic will be between you and your destination.

Fun Fact: The lower a person’s IQ, the more times they will post “Amen” on a “Do you love Jesus” Facebook meme.

Fun Fact: Humans give off a specific pheromone that causes cats to simply not give a shit.

Fun Fact: American Airlines recently announced that in order to fit more people on their planes and increase profitability, passengers will be required to don a straight jacket and sit on a small stool.

Fun Fact: Marijuana contains a chemical called munchitol that causes a person to crave Doritos and Oreos.

Fun Fact: A two year study from the University of Arizona found that dog feces tastes pretty bad. (If you can’t figure out which part of this “fact” isn’t true, I suggest you test this conclusion yourself)

~V

 

Whatever. Nevermind.

A serious wardrobe malfunction?

I don’t like Justin Bieber. I mean, I really REALLY don’t like Justin Bieber. The amount I don’t like him could fill the Grand Canyon. If the amount I don’t like him were a fat guy, he’d be too big to be on The Biggest Loser. If you laid out the amount I don’t like him end to end, it would circle the Earth 27 gajillion times.

Justin is a smug, talentless, classless, clueless douchebag. There is nothing about him that I like. At all. (Except that he dated Selena Gomez and she’s hot but then, that makes me dislike him even more because… He’s Justin Bieber.)

So it certainly pains me to come to his defense. You see, apparently he wore a Nirvana T-shirt to the American Music Awards the other night and some people (probably those folks who have nothing better to do than sit around and write blog posts all day long) have lost their freaking minds. I don’t get it. It’s just a T-shirt. I mean, it’s not like he tried to perform or record a Nirvana song. That, of course would be worthy of Hellish fury that could only end with the Biebs being burned alive on stage while thousands of Nirvana fans chanted loudly.

Do I think that Justin understands and appreciates the musical genius that is Kurt Cobain or Nirvana? No, of course not. That’s silly. No one could possibly believe such nonsense. Why would anyone even suggest such a thing. Stop it. Just stop.

Breaking News: GOP on Syrian Refugees

(AP) – November 20, 2015

As Congress attempts to pass a bill that would prohibit refugees from Syria from entering the US, Republican presidential candidates have been speaking out about the current controversy regarding the Syrian refugees waiting to arrive in the US.

“I think it’s a huge security risk to let those illegal immigrants into our country” stated Sen. Ted Cruz on Wednesday. He then went on to clarify that he was not speaking about Mexicans but rather Syrian refugees.

“If we are going to allow any of them to come into our home, we need to be sure it’s only Christians and not the terrorists.” Cruz’s assistant leaned in and whispered to him. “Sorry, not terrorists. I mean Muslims. I get those two confused,” he said, correcting himself immediately.  “After all, you never hear about radical Christians committing acts of violence,” Cruz said speaking outside a recently bombed Planned Parenthood clinic where three staff members were killed.

Sen. Ted Cruz throws up  a Nazi ‘Sieg Heil’ salute at a rally in New Hampshire.

Game of Thrones Season 5 Recap

Farewell Jon Snow. RIP.

[I shouldn’t have to say there are spoilers in this article. If you have not watched GoT’s Season Five in its entirety, you might not want to read the following piece]

 

It’s actually taken me several days to collect myself after the season finale of Game of Thrones. The final episode, “Mother’s Mercy” took its toll on me, as it has for many other fans across the globe. Oddly enough, the ending came as no surprise (unlike the results of “The Rains of Castamere” or “The Mountain and the Viper”). As I’ve mentioned in other articles, I am not a reader of A Song of Ice and Fire, so what I know is taken only from the television show. There was a time when I never would have believed GRRM or Weiss and Benioff would kill off Jon Snow, but as we all know by now, ALL MEN MUST DIE.

5 Proven Ways to Write a Popular Blog Post!

The secrets of success lie within. Come inside and take a look.

I’ve been blogging for nearly 3 1/2 months now so I think that qualifies me as an expert in this field. In fact, what I’ve learned from the internet is that you are what you say you are. Truth, experience, knowledge… none of those things really matter. The Power of Publishing is all the validation we need. I Am Blogger, Hear Me Roar!

With that in mind I’d like to share with you a few of my secret tips for writing successful blog posts. These are posts that people will find and read in huge quantities.

What My Favorite Television Shows Have Taught Me

Like millions of viewers around the world, I find myself glued to my television set whenever “Game of Thrones” (GoT) or “The Walking Dead” (TWD) air. I love these two shows. In fact, I sometimes feel my interest lies on the border of obsession. If that is true, at least I can take comfort in knowing that I am far from being alone in that matter. Both shows have loyal followers that few other shows in history have garnered.

Like most things, certainly most popular things, GoT and TWD have found their fair share of critics. Detractors of the shows point out that both contain a plethora (Oh, how I love that word. Thank you “Three Amigos“) of gratuitous violence and (in the case of GoT) nudity. To that I say… Ok. I will not deny that both shows are violent and GoT does have copious amounts of boobs and butts and even naughtier parts. (What a great time to have large screen HD TV screens, right?) Both show what must be gallons of blood, gore, severed limbs, internal organs and a host of other icky things. But is it gratuitous? I say no.

Fair and Balanced

“One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.” ~ Edward Abbey

 

“Damn Obamacare!” said Floyd as he sipped his beer.

“Yep, I know what you mean” said Archie, sitting next to Floyd.

“Worst thing to happen to this country since the plague kilt all them people back in… what was it? The 1800’s?” Floyd asked.

“Worse than that even” said Archie turning to his friend and co-worker. “I heard on Fox News that they just found out that the reason Saddam attacked the Twin Towers on 9/11 was cuz of Obama.”

“Sheeet, is that right?” asked Floyd. He paused for a moment to take another sip of his beer. “Well I didn’t vote for him, that’s fer sure.”

“Hell, no one I know voted for him” said Archie. “I think it’s all a conspiracy. I don’t think he won the election at all. Bet it was the liberal media that just said he won and everyone believed them.”

Invasion of the Pod People

I just finished watching The Faculty for the umpteenth time (I like that word “umpteenth”). Of all the “body snatcher” movies, it’s one of my favorites. For those that have never seen it, the movie borrows heavily from Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which in turn (as the character Stokely points out) takes its premise from Heinlein’s The Puppet Masters. Essentially, aliens invade Earth, replicate themselves in human bodies (or as in the case of “Invasion” replicas of human bodies) and slowly attempt to assimilate all of mankind. It’s a slightly more elegant form of what the Borg attempt to do. (Resistance is NOT futile, thank you very much) And if you don’t know who the Borg are… sigh… I’m afraid we have reached the line, dear Reader where we may not be able to communicate clearly at all. My apologies.

Of course, these scenarios are always played out in a horror fashion. The aliens always seem to have some kind of collective consciousness or a “hive” mentality if you will. Individuality is washed away and all the “converted” become calm little worker drones. The primary theme is the fear that humans seem to have of losing ourselves in a sea of conformity. “I don’t want to be a follower!” the subconscious screams. “Let me be me!”