Whatever. Nevermind.

A serious wardrobe malfunction?

I don’t like Justin Bieber. I mean, I really REALLY don’t like Justin Bieber. The amount I don’t like him could fill the Grand Canyon. If the amount I don’t like him were a fat guy, he’d be too big to be on The Biggest Loser. If you laid out the amount I don’t like him end to end, it would circle the Earth 27 gajillion times.

Justin is a smug, talentless, classless, clueless douchebag. There is nothing about him that I like. At all. (Except that he dated Selena Gomez and she’s hot but then, that makes me dislike him even more because… He’s Justin Bieber.)

So it certainly pains me to come to his defense. You see, apparently he wore a Nirvana T-shirt to the American Music Awards the other night and some people (probably those folks who have nothing better to do than sit around and write blog posts all day long) have lost their freaking minds. I don’t get it. It’s just a T-shirt. I mean, it’s not like he tried to perform or record a Nirvana song. That, of course would be worthy of Hellish fury that could only end with the Biebs being burned alive on stage while thousands of Nirvana fans chanted loudly.

Do I think that Justin understands and appreciates the musical genius that is Kurt Cobain or Nirvana? No, of course not. That’s silly. No one could possibly believe such nonsense. Why would anyone even suggest such a thing. Stop it. Just stop.

I don’t think for a moment that he was trying to make any kind of real statement. I have to believe there is a far more rational explanation for his wardrobe choice. Here’s what I believe happened:

Justin hooked up with some girl a few nights prior to the AMA’s. This girl, who normally wouldn’t even look at the Biebs without wanting to spit in his face and fart in his general direction may have consumed some really bad Ecstasy while drinking Peppermint Schnapps and Boones Farm and due to the horrible drug interaction, suffered massive brain trauma that caused her to go home with Justin and have the lamest sex of her life (which, thankfully for the girl, she doesn’t remember).

This girl probably dated some really cool dude and that dude owned a sweet Nirvana shirt that he left at her place because guys are slobs and we do that kind of thing. After giving this girl 15 seconds of his best lovemaking, Justin most likely fumbled around in the dark of her bedroom for his clothes, trying to make a quick exit (due to the fact that he’s afraid of the dark and will often piss himself if he hears a noise in low lighting).

He obviously grabbed the sweet Nirvana T and slipped it over his dorky head as he beat a hasty retreat (believing falsely that the roofies he slipped the girl might wear off soon, not realizing that it really was that nasty Schnapps and cheap wine that led to the worst choice of her life).

Much later, upon waking in some hotel room, he realized he grabbed the wrong shirt. Being a dick, it never occurred to him to return what he took back to the girl. Later still, one of his crew members (who obviously owes a great deal of money to someone, forcing him to work for Bieber), explained to Justin who Nirvana was and how awesome they were. Justin wrongly thought that if he donned this apparel and wore it to a function like the AMA’s, people would praise him for his hip, cool style and thus he kept the shirt on.

As I said, Justin is clueless. He has no idea how hated he is. Even all those pre-pubescent girls that ritually appear at his concerts, screaming his name despise him. They want his blood served in fine crystal goblets and each time he appears on stage, they get a little closer to making their blood lust a reality. Why do you think tickets to his concerts cost so much? Whomever finally gets her claws into him and rends him into little bits will become famous.

So clearly, it’s not his fault for sporting such inappropriate attire to a televised event. For those who attack him for this transgression, please… sit down, shut up and have patience. There are SO many other reasons to despise this maggot. Let’s not divide our selves into different camps. We can all find common ground on why we hate Justin Bieber.

Can’t we all get along?

~V