Breaking News: GOP on Syrian Refugees


(AP) – November 20, 2015

As Congress attempts to pass a bill that would prohibit refugees from Syria from entering the US, Republican presidential candidates have been speaking out about the current controversy regarding the Syrian refugees waiting to arrive in the US.

“I think it’s a huge security risk to let those illegal immigrants into our country” stated Sen. Ted Cruz on Wednesday. He then went on to clarify that he was not speaking about Mexicans but rather Syrian refugees.

“If we are going to allow any of them to come into our home, we need to be sure it’s only Christians and not the terrorists.” Cruz’s assistant leaned in and whispered to him. “Sorry, not terrorists. I mean Muslims. I get those two confused,” he said, correcting himself immediately.  “After all, you never hear about radical Christians committing acts of violence,” Cruz said speaking outside a recently bombed Planned Parenthood clinic where three staff members were killed.

Sen. Ted Cruz throws up Nazi 'Sieg Heil' salute at a rally in New Hampshire.

Sen. Ted Cruz throws up  a Nazi ‘Sieg Heil’ salute at a rally in New Hampshire.

Asked about the type of security vetting that should be in place for the Christians that he would allow into the country if he were President, he explained “It would be mandatory that they would all have to swear on the Bible that they had given over their lives to Jesus Christ, our saviour. And obviously no fags.”

At a breakfast press conference in New Jersey, Governor Chris Christie announced that he would allow no refugees from Syria into his state, without exception. He emphatically declared that he would even reject orphans under the age of five.

“No one, no exceptions,” he stated. “Those little orphan bastards could be smuggling in some C-4 in their blankets or raggedy stuffed animals or something. They’re all just waiting to kill us, every last one of them. Let them sit and starve like the cold, unfeeling monsters that they are.”

Governor Christie eating a donut while telling starving orphans 'No Way!'

Governor Christie eating a doughnut while telling starving orphans ‘No Way!’

Campaigning in Iowa, Donald Trump weighed in on the topic. “I’d bomb the Hell out of Syria and any other country that takes in these ‘refugees’,” he said, holding his fingers up when saying the word “refugee”. “I’d have Fox News cover the whole bombing campaign live on Pay-Per-View. It would only cost $59.99. People would love it.”

Breaking News3

Dr. Ben Carson was asked his opinion about the refugee crisis but in response began barking loudly like a rabid dog.

Ben Carson's attempt at a coherent response to reporters questions were once again foiled.

Ben Carson’s attempt at a coherent response to reporters questions were once again foiled.

When asked for comment about the recent remarks from the GOP, President Obama said from the White House, “Those motherfuckers are crazy!” The President did not clarify which motherfuckers about whom his comments were aimed.

~V

 

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