I’ve been blogging for nearly 3 1/2 months now so I think that qualifies me as an expert in this field. In fact, what I’ve learned from the internet is that you are what you say you are. Truth, experience, knowledge… none of those things really matter. The Power of Publishing is all the validation we need. I Am Blogger, Hear Me Roar!
With that in mind I’d like to share with you a few of my secret tips for writing successful blog posts. These are posts that people will find and read in huge quantities.
1. Make lists – The public loves lists. You know what I mean: 10 Easy Steps For…, 5 Tips…, 8 Secrets To… For some reason, as long as there is some kind of categorical organization, the article screams its validity at the top of its lungs. Hey, the author took the time to make a list. It must be some secret to success that we, the uninitiated must know. Voila! The post goes viral. How do I know this works? You’re reading one right now!
2. Be Controversial – Pick topics like politics, religion or family values and then make statements that will get people worked up. Criticize Christians (I’ve used this many times) or humiliate a political party for their public blunders. Take a stance on gay marriage (either side, doesn’t matter) and watch the comments pour in.
3. Sex, sex, and more sex – This category really doesn’t require explanation, does it? Sex sells. End of story.
4. Reference Pop Culture or Hot Button Social Issues – I prefer Game of Thrones or homosexuality since those seem to be all the rage right now (and I’m a huge GoT fan, as if you couldn’t tell) but there is a large smorgasbord of potential topics from which to choose. Pick something juicy and delicious, carve off a big piece and feast away.
5. Sensational Title or Headline – The beautiful part here is that the title does not need to be truthful or even represent the meat of the article. I’ve seen many article headlines that actually contradict the post of which it heralded. The headline should bring in the crowds. What the author does once he has their attention doesn’t matter as much. The article can be false or poorly researched too, if it makes it easier, but the headline is all about advertising. Madison Avenue doesn’t care about being truthful, so why should you?
And there you have it. Five simple things you can adopt in your own blog that should ensure success. Of course, I could be completely wrong and I make no guarantees about any of this. That’s the beauty of blogging. There’s no accountability so I guess that lets me off the hook. I love the internet.
[Author’s note: Part of me feels like I shouldn’t have to explain that this article is satire. It’s like explaining the punch-line of a joke that you just told. It kind of ruins everything when that happens. But I suppose there are some that might be new to my blog and not fully understand my style so to you folks I say… Welcome and relax. This was humor, sarcasm and some truth rolled together in a big white piece of rolling paper. Now fire that blunt up, take a toke of my sardonic wit and chill the fuck out. Yeah, smooth isn’t it?]