Fair and Balanced


“One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain’t nothing can beat teamwork.” ~ Edward Abbey


“Damn Obamacare!” said Floyd as he sipped his beer.

“Yep, I know what you mean” said Archie, sitting next to Floyd.

“Worst thing to happen to this country since the plague kilt all them people back in… what was it? The 1800’s?” Floyd asked.

“Worse than that even” said Archie turning to his friend and co-worker. “I heard on Fox News that they just found out that the reason Saddam attacked the Twin Towers on 9/11 was cuz of Obama.”

“Sheeet, is that right?” asked Floyd. He paused for a moment to take another sip of his beer. “Well I didn’t vote for him, that’s fer sure.”

“Hell, no one I know voted for him” said Archie. “I think it’s all a conspiracy. I don’t think he won the election at all. Bet it was the liberal media that just said he won and everyone believed them.”

“I think I heard Ann Coulter saying somethin’ like that last night on Fox News. That pretty little lady knows what’s what, I’ll tell you that much.” replied Floyd smiling.

“Hell, Fox News is the only thing I watch for news. You can’t trust the rest o’ them channels. Obama controls them all. Fox News is the only station that isn’t afraid to stand up to them Liberals. They’re the voice of the people.” Archie said emphatically.

“Fair and Balanced” echoed Floyd.

You know who I like is that SEEN Hannity guy. Too bad they used to pair him up with that wimpy other guy. What was his name?” asked Archie, scratching his chin.

“I don’t know but he’s better by hisself.” Floyd agreed.

“That Bill O’Reilly is pretty funny. He really goes after them pinheads, don’t he?” asked Archie.

“Sure does” Floyd agreed again. ” “He loves to go after them commie tree huggers and gay lovers. Seriously, what’s the country comin’ to when we gotta love gays and towelheads?”

“Ain’t nobody gonna tell me what to do” said Archie rebelliously. “I’ll give ’em a taste of my shotgun if’n they do.”

“Yeah, unless Obama takes yer gun away. He’s been tryin’ to do that ever since he took office. But he’ll take my gun when he pries it from…” said Floyd

“My cold dead fingers!” both men said in unison. They both laugh. Sam the bartender steps up and asks the two men if they’re ready for another round. Floyd and Archie give him the affirmative.

It was a long day at the factory. The number 3 packing machine broke down this morning and Archie spent half the day tearing it apart and the rest putting it back together. Floyd spent his time on the line, doing the same thing he did every day: pulling defective parts from the conveyor belt. After work, the two friends met up at Sam’s Place just as they had been doing for years.

“You gonna watch Duck Dynasty tonight?” asked Floyd.

“Damn right I am” replied Archie. “That Phil, you know he’s got a good head on his shoulders. Did you hear what he said the other day ’bout them Atheists?”

“Yeah, and I agree with every word. It’s them Atheists and gays and liberals that’s takin’ this country down. If you don’t love God, you don’t love this country. America is a Christian nation. Our fore fathers were good Christian men and they wanted a country where people were free to worship the Lord instead of puttin’ up with the Atheists from England” Floyd said in a commanding tone.

“Damn straight” agreed Archie taking another sip of his beer. “The Constitution is taken right out of the Bible. Where do ya think we got the Bill of Rights from? Book o’ John, I think… or somewhere in there.”

“Why do you think George Washington had “Under God” put into the Pledge of Allegiance? Cuz he wanted a nation under God’s rule, that’s why. They ain’t no separation of church and state. That’s a goddamn lie made up by them commie liberals. We was always supposed to have prayer in schools. That’s what ‘freedom of religion’ means. The freedom to be Christian in any way you want. It don’t mean you can be Muslim or Jewish or any of that nonsense. It’s about bein’ a Christian only.” said Floyd.

“This country’s goin’ to Hell in a handbasket, no doubt about it.” Archie lamented.

“We need another one of them Bush’s in office again, that’s what we need. I hear Jeb might be runnin'” remarked Floyd.

“Hell, I hope so. He’d beat the pants off’n Hillary. God I hate that bitch.” said Archie, shaking his head

“No one’s gonna vote fer no woman to be in the White House, Archie.” said Floyd, looking at his friend mockingly. “You know that if a woman was President, all it would take is for her to get in one of her PMS ‘moods’ and the next thing ya know, she’s launching the nukes.”

“Ya, ain’t that the truth” answered Archie. Both men laugh heartily. They raise their beer mugs and toast each other.

“To Christian Republicans” says Archie.

“To Fair and Balanced” replies Floyd.

The glass mugs clink together and a small amount of beer sloshes out of each one. The night wears on. Eventually the two men go home to their respective families and fall into a deep slumber. When alarm clocks rage the next morning, both men rise and prepare for another day of work. The sun rises and sets and the wheel keeps turning.


[Hey, I did name my blog Dumasaphobic Diatribes for a reason. You are free to take offense if you choose. You are free to let me know if you take offense. I make no apologies for my work. This is satire. Have a nice day!]


2 thoughts on “Fair and Balanced

  1. And the wheel of willful ignorance keeps on spinnin’…

    I know this is satire, but you let the stupid breath through in such noxious, convincing detail that I feel I must now go out for some air, or risk further brain damage. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

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