Men Are Pigs. Thanks.

I'm sexy and I know it

I’m sexy and I know it

An Open Letter to Women:

I’ve heard many women refer to men as pigs. I myself have been called that on occasion, in addition to several different body parts. (That’s right, I’m an elbow). What I think women fail to understand it that calling a man a pig is not really an insult to us. Say what you want, but men pretty much know what they are. It’s not a secret.

We’re relatively basic creatures with basic needs and desires. We like food, sex, sports and the occasional power tool (and not always in that order). We don’t need to share our feelings with other guys and in the rare instance when we do, we’re just looking for help in finding a solution to our problem. That’s how men work. We want to fix something and move on. We don’t need someone to empathize or “just be there” for us. Fix it, grab a beer and see what’s on tv. Simple.

We don’t require hours to get ready to leave the house. A quick comb or brush through the hair (or in the absence of that, a hat) jeans and a t-shirt and we’re ready for most occasions. If I show up somewhere and another guy is wearing the same shirt as me… cool! He obviously has great taste and we can hang out. I don’t care if my buddy’s shoes don’t match his outfit. I didn’t even notice his shoes (unless he just bought a brand new pair of sneakers he’s showing off).

If I see an attractive women I’m going to look. It’s hard wired into my brain. If I’m with another women, I’ll try to be subtle about it (and fail miserably… seriously, how do you ladies ALWAYS catch us?) It’s not that we necessarily want to be with that other woman and most times she’s forgotten mere seconds after we look away, but our man radar picks up on certain features and it causes us great physical and emotional distress if we don’t gawk for a few seconds. (Ok, that last part is probably not true, but humor us ladies.)

Men will usually admit to their failings (if we aren’t being yelled at). Yes, our personal hygiene isn’t always spot on. We really don’t like to ask for directions (and most times we know where we’re going). Sometimes we forget the things you tell us. (There’s a lot of “man stuff” going on in our brains and the things you tell us can get lost amidst the jumble). We’re not always going to like your friends. Just because I like YOU, doesn’t mean your friends have the same attractive qualities. And if I find one of your friends really attractive, that’s not my fault. You really shouldn’t hang out with hot chicks. Your friends should always be uglier than you. It makes you look good.

I feel confident in asking for this favor. Please stop quizzing us. There is NO GOOD ANSWER to: “Do these jeans make my ass look fat”. If we say no, you don’t believe us. And no man is ever going to say yes, so what answer did you expect? If we arrive home late, please don’t ask us if we know what time it is. You’re yelling at us so obviously it’s past the time when we should have come home. Do we think your friend is prettier than you? Refer back to the previous paragraph. Bottom line is this: You ask us questions we cannot answer without upsetting you so why bother?

Lastly, I’d like a moment to extoll the virtues of pigs. They too are simple creatures and are relatively easy to care for. Yes, they can be dirty, but they clean up nicely and can be quite domestic. (Pot bellied pigs make good pets). Pigs can be trained and are generally good natured. Pigs eat just about anything and don’t require expensive clothes. Pigs are good at cutting the grass and fixing things around the house (oh wait, that’s men… sorry). Pigs can be smelly but if you stay upwind of them, you’re just fine. So you see, ladies… calling a man a pig is not an insult. It’s pretty accurate. And men LOVE pigs. (Because that’s where bacon comes from!) So instead of getting disgusted by our behavior, just sigh, shake your head and love your pig. He may not be perfect, but he’s yours.


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