The Stupid Vaccine

The new miracle drug? Anti-stupid meds

The new miracle drug? Anti-stupid meds

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? That is the question. With all the controversy lately over whether to vaccinate children (And let’s be honest, this isn’t controversial. Vaccinate your damn kids!) I had to wonder what the world would be like if we could develop a stupidity vaccine. That’s right, you heard me. What if we could eliminate the moronic words and actions of so many like we eradicated smallpox?

A smile spreads across my face as I imagine how calm and peaceful the world would become. No more silly warning labels on products. Yes, I’m aware I should not use the blowdryer in the bathtub. No need to warn me of that. I shouldn’t spill hot coffee on myself? No problem. I’m way ahead of you.

Talk shows would have to find new content for their broadcasts. Perhaps civil discussions on which alternative energy source should pave the way towards our independence from fossil fuels or “10 ways to recycle those old cars left in the front yards of the formerly afflicted“.

We’d enjoy spending our huge tax refunds due to the elimination of all of the unnecessary spending by the federal government, including the money saved when Congress realized they were all making way too much money and voted to cut their salaries by 85% and start using the same health care plans as everyone else.

Our economy would blossom as corporations would increase the wages of their workers as the CEO’s discovered that they too were overpaid and that it was far more economical to spend money providing quality goods and services along with excellent customer service than the billions of dollars spent on advertising trying to win back the customers they lost.

The sale of assault rifles would plummet to near zero as a certain portion of our population realized that hunting animals with an AK47 was insane. The NRA would disband as no one would understand why that organization even existed in the first place.

We would have to find new uses for raceways as former NASCAR fans wondered why they thought watching cars drive around in a circle for hours on end was considered entertainment.

Dentists would see a resurgence in business, especially in the deep south. The mullet would finally become a thing of the past.

Schools would finally get all the funding they needed and the military would have to initiate a candy sales program to buy a new tank.

Harlequin publishing would close their doors and the Fox network would cancel its cable news program. Pundits like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly would be found dead just hours after vaccination as the disease was too deeply rooted in them.

And finally, religions of the world would fade and crumble. They would be replaced by scientists bent on solving all of the mysteries of life through logic and reason.

So how about it modern medicine? Can it be done? Can we just wash that stupid right out of our hair? Tell me it’s so. Give me a reason to wake up each morning and not fear the legions of dumbasses that I know are waiting out there to mess up my program.

I’ll be waiting.

~ V

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